Better Know a DJ: Grant Bisher

“Look at this loser,” I thought when I first met Grant Bisher.

He was sitting across from me at a table in Lenoir while his (cooler, funnier, and frankly better looking) older brother was live DJing to Lenoir’s hungry masses, each consumer occasionally taking time away from demolishing their chicken fajitas and sushi to nod in approval when Rihanna started playing. I, however, could neither eat nor feel like the only girl (in the world), not with this guy in my vicinity. Apparently, the feeling was mutual. I caught a few stink eyes that night. I was hoping he had just caught a reflection of himself in the window behind me.

Later, I learned that Grant was hired as a new DJ this Fall, and ever since I had been wondering how we could let this lanky plebeian spin for us.

In my curiosity, I arranged a chat with Grant. Maybe we could bond over the Better Know a DJ series. Perhaps, there was an interesting mind behind the off-putting demeanor. We found some time at our old meeting/stomping/battlegrounds – the Top of Lenoir. Between our snarls I threw around some softball questions.

Hey so, what’s your favourite band?

Foster the People!

[I’m judging you so hard right now]. Well, that’s interesting, but I suppose also expected. Next question: Considering we’re in Lenoir right now, what’s your favourite food?

Pasta the people!

Um…how about your favourite Disney character?

Mufasa the People!

[This guy must be deranged] Actress?

Jodie Foster the People!

[Or is this a joke?…It better be a joke. I wonder how far he can take this.] Do you have a religion?

Rasta the People!

What do you do in your spare time?

Foster the peephole!

I had had enough of trying to deal with this backwards nobody. Still curious as to why Grant was the horrible person he was, I visited Grant’s better half, his dog Kipper. I had learned from Grant’s associates that he had an intensely close, almost spiritual relationship with Kipper. I followed Grant home (from a distance – Grant is too repulsive to be followed closely), and met his pet. Admittedly, this dog was quite amicable, serene, and supercute. I knelt down and couldn't help but ask, “How could a bumpkin be the owner of such a majestic creature?”

mmrrgkg

“What’s that? You’re the real Grant Bisher, and the one walking around in the human body is actually Kipper the dog? How’d that happen?

…[squeal]

So let me get this straight: You were walking your dog through the woods, getting in touch with your German roots and re-enacting the story of Hansel and Gretel (you were Hansel, Kip was Gretel) when you ran into a witch. The witch was pissed over the inaccurate, offensive portrayal of witches in that old children’s tale that you seemed to glorify, and in an act of retribution, she exchanged your and Kipper’s souls so that you may more positively reevaluate how you judge humans by making you an incarnate of ‘man’s best friend’? But how does that explain the Foster the People fixation?

Grarwwoof[mumble]

You went on a road trip once with Kipper and “Pumped Up Kicks” was all that was playing on the radio the whole time? Kipper seemed to enjoy it, and now Foster the People is his favourite band largely because it’s the only band he knows, and now he thinks that radio is synonymous with “Pumped Up Kicks”? Well, I can’t blame him, it’s such a damn catchy song; I hate it.

Hhhmbf

So have you learned your lesson? Do you hold witches in kind regard these days?

…

Wow! You want to burn the witch who did this to you? So harsh! I suppose you haven’t learned anything. I guess that’s why there’s still a hideous dog-boy parading about…Well, good luck.

-------------------

Catch all the Pumped Up Kicks you could ever want between 10 AM and 12 PM on Tuesdays.